Old Drunk Uncle Edward

Old drunk Uncle Edward
Was one hell of a cat
With women he’d be forward
And with men he often spat

I met him at a Christmas
He came to one fond year
He’d worn some weird pajamas
And was missing his right ear

The ear was still bleeding
For he had lost it that day
His hair was then receding
And starting to turn grey

I thought him quite a wild one
For I was then quite young
He acted like a loaded gun
Or a rebel oft unsung

Only I was real impressed
With old drunk Uncle Edward
The way that he was dressed
And that he carried a real sword

It was strapped to the lower back
Of his red union suit
In a sheath that was pitch black
That went down to his brown boot

My mother she just shuttered
And went in the den
And Edward loudly muttered,
“What a wretched dying hen.”

He pulled out a flask of silver
While scratching at his ass
To see what he’d incur
Said, “Tastes like old car gas.”

Edward then grabbed at
My young aunt Sarah’s tits
And while laughing about that
He lit three cigarettes.

I watched her for a second
And then I contemplated
I doubt that Edward reckoned
That they were close related

Sarah ran outside
And Edward laughed and laughed
Then keeping right in stride
He gripped at his sword haft

He pulled out his big sword
And stuck it in the chair
My father was abhorred
Ed truly didn’t care

Old drunk Uncle Edward
Walked toward the next room
Ran into the cupboard
And snatched up out a broom

His movements kept on jerking
As I pretended to dine
He stumbled, he was lurking
Just like Frankenstein

But Ed wasn’t the Dr.
Surely he was the monster
Not conscious like young Victor
But insanity mixed with liquor

Through a crib the broom was driven
Knocked cousin Henry out cold
It could have been forgiven
If Hank wasn’t two years old

Ed staggered on the lawn
His union chute fallen off
Most of the company had gone
And they’d left him with a scoff

My mother had called the cops
Edward was drinking strong
He’d pulled out all the stops
Was naked before long

He punched my dad’s nose
So dad locked us inside
Edward got the hose
And used our Slip ‘n Slide

When the cops showed up
They were truly lost
They wondered why the hose
Was in Dad’s car exhaust

They spotted naked Ed
Wandering in the yard
They drew their guns instead
Of being off their guard

Ed began to slog
But our puppy wandered through
He gently grabbed the dog
Cops wondering what he’d do

Our pup was very pretty
At least my folks had said
So I thought it a pity
As Ed twisted off its head

He put up his hands to abate
His Uncle Edward charms
He held the dog’s small pate
As blood ran down his arms

They took him in at last
The damage had been done
After Christmas day had passed
And Ed had had his fun

I watched as he was bound
Wondering what I’d see
He turned his head around
And mouthed something me

I think he said two things
But I only heard the latter
In my head the voice still rings
“It doesn’t really matter.”

I heard when I had grown
He’d had a heart attack
But I could sense their tone
Ed would soon come back

Cause even if Ed went
Gone and turned to dust
There is a monster latent
Inside of all of us

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